Good afternoon Internet-swimmers. Sorry, Jonathan says that should be surfers. Isn’t surfing the one you do with the big board? But what does that have to do with – ?
Jonathan is asking me to keep to the point. So: I am writing today to encourage you to consider your manners, and whether they are good enough for cultivated company.
Allow me to tell you why I am writing this. While I was reading aloud an extract from a book about the royal family just now, someone who shall remain nameless, because I cannot at the moment countenance mentioning the word Charlie, thought it appropriate to pick his nose repeatedly and eat what he was pulling out. You may realise this already, but that is what we call bad manners. I may say though that I can’t think of any situation when picking one’s nose and eating the results really constitutes good manners, even if you aren’t emitting the significant grunts of enjoyment that Charlie was. Although sometimes when I look out of the window I see Paula’s father doing the same before he gets out of the car. Please don’t repeat that to anyone.
Another example concerns when one makes an embarrassing bodily sound by mistake (naturally I am not speaking of myself). Sometimes it’s just unavoidable, as I’m sure you know. And someone – it might be a big grey rabbit, for example, or it might not – laughs uproariously on hearing the noise and asks one to do it again. That is also bad manners. I am trying to teach this to the other animals but am struggling to progress.
If any of you has any stories about how you are teaching animals to have good manners, I should be pleased to read them.
With thanks and all my love —
Hello there young people!
I have had a thought this week that will probably interest you. It’s a bit like when my cousin Norma’s neighbour Alfie’s best friend Bonzo went to climb a mountain, but found he couldn’t do it because of the fish, and it was the wrong week anyway. I think that’s right? Actually maybe I’ve got something wrong there. But I’m sure you know that story anyway.
I was looking out of the window the other night thinking about bones, as you do, and I saw a flying saucer. Well, I didn’t actually see one, if you know what I mean, but let’s pretend I did. And then I thought – if you get flying saucers, why not flying cups? Why would anyone want a saucer without a cup? Sometimes people might drink out of a cup without using a saucer, people like Flopsy I mean (don’t tell her I said that) but why would anyone —
Oh, now I say that, I’ve just got it. Perhaps flying saucers are the saucers which have flown away because they are upset that Flopsy isn’t using them and they are looking for someone to love them. That must be it. So perhaps next time I see a flying saucer I’ll show it my cup and saucer, and then it will know that I’m a dog who loves saucers. And then it might give me a ride, and I can go on holiday somewhere, like to space. I think they have great big bones in space. Galactic bones, they’re called.
That’s right, isn’t it?
I have had a brilliant idea and I would like to run it by you to see what you think. If you are interested in the news, you may have heard that some humans say The World Is A Scary Place. Now I think you must agree with that – there are things all over the place that can hurt you, like holly leaves and the legs of tables when you accidentally run into them because your mind was on something more heroic. So I have been wondering how we can make the world less scary.
I have asked Jonathan what the opposite of scary is and he has said it is calming or soothing. And then I asked him what soothing meant, and he said basically it’s when we give each other a pat on the head. [That isn’t exactly what I said, by the way. -J.P.L.] And a pat on the head can calm you down.
So here is my brilliant idea. When someone is scared, just call me and I will zoom over to where you are and pat them on the head. Then the world will become a less scary place. Please don’t do the patting yourself, you are probably not an expert in these things and if you get it wrong it might just make it worse. Call me and I will be there! if Paula’s mum or dad have accidentally left the front door open and happen to be about to drive to where you are. Then I will be there, definitely.
Hooray for a better world!
Hello my dalings! That is wat Rosamund seys is’nt it. Hello my darlings! You are all very daling to me.
At the moment I am mostly thinking about Pa snips. They are going to be redy to pick quite soon. Have you ever eten Pa snips? They look like carots but are achtualy tastyer, wihch is amaysing when you think about it. Sientific studys show that Pa snips are THE BEST, and thats the truth whatever Isaiah says.
Now ther are 3 things you do with Pa snips:
Number one1 you gobl it rihgt down before enebode can see. That way it is all for you. This is my favroute way.
Number twho2 you sher it with somebode. Rosamund seys this is what she likes to do but I think pahaps you only do that if you are realy poosh and I am not posh enoufh for that yet.
Number three3 you send it to your best freind as a tokan of afecshan. In your case, that will be me. Pleas send me your Pa snips as soon as they are ready, unless you have chosen number 1 insted, which I woud’nt blame you for4 at all.
Jonathan was saying just earlier how much he likes the autumn, and I was saying I love September because it’s nice and hot, and bears like it when it’s hot. Black bears like to play a nice game of chase in the sun, and polar bears like to put on sunglasses and sit on a deckchair, and brown bears like me like to have a biscuit when the sun is out. And it’s been so hot that I’ve been eating a lot of biscuits because it’s September. Do you see? Yesterday I had TWO.
There are lots of bees around the flowers outside, which is nice but they never tell me where they are making their honey. Paula has a nice book about a bear who gets lots of honey by holding a balloon, and then he finds the north pole, or floats under a bridge, or something. I like honey, but I’m not bothered about poles or floating. Can any of you tell me how to talk to bees so that they will give me some of their honey please?
Fizzy pop! Thank you very much.
Yes, it’s very hot, isn’t it? Jonathan says I am being a complain-pants but he’s not covered in fur like I am. My favourite cold drink is fizzy orange. Rosamunde said the other day that it doesn’t match my red suit. She may be posh but she doesn’t know what’s more important between fizzy and suits.
Sid was so hot today that he panted so much that Flopsy rolled up her ears and then came to show us. I wish I could roll up my ears but they’re too small. Can you roll up your ears, readers? Send in your photos of yourselves with your ears rolled up, if you have nice long floppy ears that is.
My darling readers!
Jonathan has been asking me for ever such a long time to write something to you, and I really am very sorry for how long it has taken me to write to you. But you really should be told why it has taken so long. Jonathan insisted – he really did insist, you know – that I let him use a photograph of me on the website. And that after he had agreed not to use a picture of me in the book! I don’t like having my portrait painted, nor having my photograph taken. But for the website I have found this little picture which was taken some time ago. It is a good compromise.
You will see from the photograph that my ears are lovely and clean. Are yours? What do you use to clean your ears? I have a special product which Mamma gets from Milan for me whenever she is there, but for most people I believe soap is sufficient. Flopsy says that she uses an old toothbrush but I think she may be making a joke. I am sure it is very funny.
Jonathan says we must say how sorry we are not to have written anything on here for a long time. We have been having no Internet connection, which makes no difference to me but apparently Flopsy has been having trouble writing to her parents. Do remember, readers, that you can send a letter with a stamp. And if you are unable to read these Sociable Media websites such as Twit Face (I believe that is what it is called?) then you can do the same thing by sending people’s letters back to them with your comments. It is a little slower but it is so much more personal, don’t you agree?
We all send our love to you.